Friday, August 21, 2009

Shadowfun, I think not.

Shadowrun is not fun. Shadowrun + fun is not Shadowfun.

What used to be a compelling Action RPG back from the NES days turned into a strictly Team Deathmatch game. The singleplayer mode in this game consists of Team Deathmatch with bots (and you can't get achievements this way).

The closest game to Shadowrun for the Xbox 360 is probably counterstrike. The difference between this game and other TDM games is the magic factor. In this game you can teleport around, resurrect teammates, summon minions and stuff. Instead of watching the corners for enemies, you'll need to have a 360 degree field of vision because enemies can teleport from the floor, the ceiling, through walls, etc.

Teamplay is essential here, since defensive magic (resurrection / healing tree) is beneficial to the team. Instead of killing a team of five, you might have to kill up to 15 enemies since the enemies keep on resurrecting dead teammates.

This simple logic makes resurrection the most important spell in the game.

Typical 8v8 shadowrun experience:
IF most members can make it to the center of the map and wipe themselves out. The remaining players (average two on each side) on the enemy team revives the players that died in the gunfight. The remaining players on your team runs around the map trying to find a place to snipe, since they never bothered to buy resurrection.
The remaining players usually:
1. Hide until time runs out.
2. Get killed.
3. Gang raped by 8 enemies.

Common Shadowrun logic dictates that the money spent on team spells should be used to buy weapons and gadgets because "I don't want to be a healer. I want to get frags. My teammates can do the healing for me." The end result is nobody buys resurrection and the scenario above occurs until you lose the game.


I prefixed the first sentence because around 1/5 of the time you get betrayed by your teammates for no apparent reason. So someone betrays you, you get them back the next round. Eye for an eye, playing field is even, EXCEPT YOUR TEAMMATES ACT LIKE LITTLE CHILDREN (Minion Preacher) AND CONTINUE TO HARASS YOUR TEAMMATES EVERY ROUND. JEESUS KID GROW UP ALREADY.

I can't get a god damn win because:
1. You are shooting me and I have no health.
2. we're down 2-3 teammates due to griefing. 8 v 5 of us makes us lose.
3. Making us lose forces me to spend my money rebuying weapons.
4. Trying to dodge your bullets every round gives the enemy times to set up an assault.

Conclusion:

Note: This game initially sold for $60.



Quote:
The most important thing is the value of what you're getting, I think there is value there at the $60 price point. If you play just about any first person, next-generation shooter that's come out recently, you're looking at the single player game being about 10 hours. I've been playing Shadowrun for three years... You can see this game truly has legs. So, ten hours of gameplay for sixty bucks, plus some probably lame multiplayer they tacked on, versus Shadowrun that you can play, lets [sic] say, for years.


from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadowrun_(2007_video_game)

Things wrong with this statement:
1. Lame multiplayer also applies to Shadowrun.
2. You can play any game for 3 years (ex. tetris).
3. Single player campaign lets you play by yourself without xbox live ANYTIME!
4. You're paying full price for half a game.
5. $60 for 3 year logic also applies to any other game.
6. You can't play "whenever you want" if not enough people are playing, you could just end up waiting for a game indefinitely.

I also like to point out that FASAstudio, the company that made this game, is out of buisness.

This logic + shitty teammates + griefers + lag makes shadowrun multiplayer a crappy experience. More power to you if you can find a static team to play with.

Last words:

Minion Preacher: You are a loser. Stop acting like a pre-pubescent 13 year old. You're like the KKK, nobody wants to be on your side (team). Go do yourself a favor and disconnect your router, it will make the world a better place to live in.
Note: I didn't say "go kill yourself." because I need people to work at fast food restaurants. I mean, my chicken soft tacos aren't going to make themselves are they?
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Monday, August 3, 2009

Mushroom Kingdom sex tape scandal.


I think the title explains it pretty well. NSFW and all that, but goddamn hilarious.
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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Gears of Melee 2?


Okay, now that I'm done with the demon World of Warcraft (It took my mind for a while I just stopped playing entirely) I can move on back to my opinions and rants about games on Console. Let me start off by saying I like this game. I've owned it since it came out, I couldn't wait to pick the mother F'er up and play the campaign to HELL with my friend. I mean I loved part one, hated the achievements and the online game itself, but that's a tale for later in this article. Let me just start off by saying, anyone reading this; I'm sure you played this game if you own a 360, otherwise... seriously why do you own a 360? This is one of the powerhouses on the console, and if you're just not playing it because it's too violent you bought the wrong system. On mah 360 it's shootan games galore!!! PEW PEW FUCK CHAINSAW BRAAAA WHERE'S MY WIFE!? Okay I'm going off on a tangent, so I'm going to pick the game apart.

Story: Well it's a continuation of the first Gears, which by this time I completely forgot the whole fucking story. It seems like it's okay but I know shit is missing in between, which is why they wrote a book for it. Not because they wanted to milk people for money. NO, that would be wrong... I still have to pick up the fucking book. Anyways, the story is pretty action packed etc. but I have to say: most disappointing last boss ever. Raam as the last boss from the first game was like a party thrown by Jesus Christ himself compared to a giant fucking glowing Brumak.

Graphics: Pretty fucking good, the only complaint I can say when you load a level you can see all the texture layers falling over the characters... wait that's not really bad actually it's pretty awesome to me.

Achievements: Yeah.... a lot of fucking online ones... some I'm probably never getting. I mean I'll admit this now, I'm not good. I'm really just so so. Coming off Halo 3 I'm just a support kind of teammate.

Multi-player
: Okay I'm conflicted, I love playing multi-player... with my friends. Online nobody fucking calls out SHIT. Rare will you find people with their mic on so why be the one yelling at nobody? Okay now that the teamwork factor is over, lets talk about the weapons. Get power weapons or fucking die. Sure you can be skilled and hammer burst someone quick, but almost every other weapon will wreck your shit. I mean hell every person comes with a power weapon, it's called the fucking shotgun. This is why I hated gears online in part one. The shotgun was SO fucking powerful, you could use it like a fucking rifle and it does MASSIVE fucking damage. YOU FUCKING START WITH IT. At least in Halo you have to go fucking find the weapon. In this game, oh no, you can just Melee Shotgun a whole fucking team. That's besides the fact it isn't fucking precise; you can shoot a bitch up close with a body shot and they live. Then you get clipped around a corner and, BOOM, you are a fucking hamburger. While I could blame this on me being so-so, host advantage is still existent. So that .1 second advantage the host gets to hit you first is crucial. Even so I find myself screaming at this game yet wanting to better myself at it.

Mmm... shotgun peppered hamburger.

I recommend this game though, if you have a friend to play story mode through it makes it all the sweeter, you got 4 other friends for online, have fun with that, also Horde mode is pretty fucking fun too. I'll gladly play this until Gears 3 is out on the 720 or Xbox 3 or whatever the fuck system its on.
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Crying the distance


I'm playing Far Cry 2.
IMHO its a crappier version of GTA 4/Crackdown.
The game boils down to.
Drive, Drive, Drive, Shoot, Shoot, Shoot, Drive, Drive, Drive, Drive, Drive, Drive, Car Breaks Down, Run, Run, Run, Shoot, Shoot, Shoot, Get a new car, Drive, Drive, Drive, Car Breaks Down, Fix, Fix, Fix, Drive, Drive, Drive.

Why GTA > Far Cry:
Weapons breakdown too quickly in Far Cry.
Enemy has radar/can see through bushes/objects in Far Cry. The world is set in a jungle but you can't use the environment to your advantage (except setting it on fire).
Unrealistic Car damage in Far Cry (Your car gets shot in the back and the engine gets damaged).
Better story/characters in GTA.
Taxi (driving to a bus station is annoying) in GTA.

Why Far Cry > GTA
Better controls.
Bigger weapon selection (most of the weapons suck in the game however).
COD style multi-player rankings.

So save yourself $20 and get GTA instead.
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Saturday, June 20, 2009

Swine Flew



Thanks to my Twitter, Livejournal and Xbox Live friend Leesa for directing my attention to the above video. I haven't laughed out loud literally in a Halo 3 replay in a long long time. Enjoy.
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

What?! Final Fantasy XIV?! I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sounds of awesome boobs and ass jiggles!



The upcoming Final Fantasy XIV Online, which is pretty much the successor of the somewhat successful FFXI Online may have Taru Tarus, Mithras & Ninjas. And World Of Warcraft may have Blood Elves and Night Elves and all that other good stuff. But an upcoming MMORPG from the Korean company NCsoft addresses an issue that has been missing in nearly all the commercially successful MMORPGs to date. Their latest game, Blade & Soul tackles the issue: Can you manage to play an MMORPG with one hand on the mouse and another on your joystick?

cue: Ass & Titties song

EVERY RPG's character design should be done by the Magna Boobie Carta guy.
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Friday, May 15, 2009

This is the dawning of the Tales of Vesperia! Tales of Vesperiaaaaa! VESPERIAAAAAAA!

So last night I finally deleted Tales of Vesperia off my Xbox 360 HD. After 167.5 hours of biting, clawing, crying, bleeding, sweating and OCD-induced seizures, rage and mental fatigue I FINALLY got 1000 achievement points in the game. Why Namco Bandai wanted to make a game which encouraged OCD behavior is beyond me, but I fell squarely in their trap.

That's not to say the game wasn't good. On the contrary, the fact that the game was so fun to play was what made me so OCD about it's achievements. The story was your standard JRPG flair, which I would assume is also common for most Tales games(before this, the last Tales game I played was Tales of Destiny for the PS1. More on that later.) The characters are VERY well written though, and definitely lovable by game's end. The Tales team definitely went out of their way to flesh them out in the way of skits, in-battle and post-battle talk and side-quests. Also, for the first time in a long time, I was finally able to control a JRPG main char that was somewhat morally ambiguous. I was pleasantly surprised by the complexity of the characters and the top notch writing of the scenarios, as well as the excellent job the translation team did on conveying said writing for the American audience.

That milk must have been 200 proof.


That is until the screenshot above popped up. Just when I thought the days of people getting sick off dairy products, of Justin from the first Grandia not drinking "Coffee" because it was for adults were behind us. Today; when we have Gears of War with chainsaw and host-advantage shotgun fun, when we have the option of committing mass genocide as our epitaph in Fallout 3, Namco Bandai America takes a stand. Apparently they believe legal adults cannot enjoy an alcoholic drink or two or three to have a good time, goof off, make an ass of themselves in their best friend's graduation party, bond with others in a party with shots of Patron silver, get so hammered during a New Year's eve party that when they're all alone with a big tittied chick they are unable to perform because of the copious amounts of alcohol in their system(IT, FUCKING, HAPPENS ALRIGHT?!), and overall just to enjoy some kinda festival.

Moving on to the achievement in this game that made my life a living hell.

Item Nerd 30


After my first run of the game, I had made it a point to get 100% on both the information of all the monsters in the world and it's items on the second run. Imagine the shock on my face when I got my perceived last needed item in the game and the stupid xbox chime for achievements didn't come up. My hopes and dreams were dashed in that instant. I flipped through my cluttered pages of achievement tips to find out what went wrong. I was quick to flip out and yell "GLITCH!!" when I couldn't find what I was missing. And then, I found it amidst my crumpled papers. "Magic Lantern" it said. An item that can only be obtained during a specific time in the game. An item that the player has to PURPOSELY fuck up to get. An item that doesn't even fucking give you a prompt on the screen that you actually got it. An item that raped my mother in front of my innocent father as it butchered the rest of my family members in the background. I was horrified... I had to play through the game again and suffer that insipid Ring a Bell theme song by Bonnie Pink. I was at wit's end.

Speaking of the theme song; holy fuck those engrish lyrics don't make a lick of sense. "It's not in the dark scary day to carry on" lolwut?

As I mentioned earlier; the last Tales game I played was Tales of Destiny for the PS1 more than a decade ago. The reason for that was because in the very final dungeon of that game, you literally couldn't take 2 steps without getting into a random fight. It made the game unplayable so I dropped it and swore off Tales games. Until Vesperia came along and I thought I'd give it a spin. Vesperia then went ahead and took advantage of my OCD while she was walking home alone in a dark alley at 2am in the morning by pointing a knife at her throat and having his way with her. So I, again, swear off all Tales games... until next decade.
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